Is your husband a narcissist?

A few years back when I was in a very bad mood with my husband, I saw a little quiz with this label on social media. I thought, yeah he is, but I’ll just do that little quiz to confirm what I already suspect. I answered all the questions diligently with my bad mood goggles on and, of course, it confirmed my suspicions. Then, it came up with a surprise second half. ‘Are you also a narcissist?’ What? I had not expected that at all, but I don’t like to quit things halfway through so I carried on. I answered those questions with more rose-tinted, be-kind-to-yourself goggles on, but even then - it still came out in the affirmative. Hmph!

Now, I don’t know who writes those daft little quizzes or how accurate they are, but it certainly got me thinking. What was I more angry about? That the world seems to revolve around him? Or that it isn’t revolving around me?

The definition of a narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

This is not a black and white thing, it’s more of a scale and we all exhibit it in varying degrees. Excessive interest in ourselves is very much a part of our sinful nature. Anyone who has seen toddlers fight over a toy or take the larger portion of a shared biscuit can see that from the very beginning one is more interested in self than in the other.

If I was to be honest, even has an adult rapidly approaching 50, I would probably want the bigger half of the shared biscuit. I have been well enough trained to know not to take it and to offer it to the other person. I know the right thing to do, but it's probably just for appearances because I have been known when noone is looking to just eat the whole biscuit (or packet of biscuits) myself and hide the wrapper, burying it deep in the kitchen bin in the vain hope my guilt might be buried with it.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24 ESV

“We know one thing about a man who leaves with a cross, He isn’t coming back” Leonard Ravenhill.

I don’t think Jesus would have told us that the way to follow him was to deny ourselves completely if he didn’t know that our tendency is, in fact, the opposite; to have an excessive interest in ourselves. Our cross is our method of execution. In carrying it we are journeying towards the end of ourselves. Picking up my metaphorical cross is the end of living for me and the start of living for Christ. From a Christian perspective, any interest in self is excessive.

Letting go of our interest in “self” is a long, slow and painful process. I don't imagine any of us will reach the place we are entirely selfless while there is still breath in our body, but hopefully we are moving in the right direction.

Last time I wrote I was thinking about not labelling ourselves, putting limits on what God can do in and through us. Now, I am thinking about not labelling others either, putting limits on what God can do in and through them. It’s easy to give ourselves a label justifying or excusing our behaviour and give other people a more derogatory label that also justifies our own behaviour.

We are all at least a little bit interested in ourselves and dependent on the Grace of God.

C.S. Lewis said about the humble man that “he will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all”

Seeking any kind of personal comfort at the expense or neglect of another is excessive interest in ourselves, low self-esteem is excessive interest in ourselves, shyness and fear are excessive interest in ourselves, being irritated at someone else’s interest in their selves is excessive interest in ourselves. True humility comes when we are not interested in ourselves at all.

So, is your husband a narcissist? I recommend not asking nor answering the question.

For me, letting go of the desire to justify my reactions by labelling his actions has enabled me to see the very fine man I married, with a very big and sensitive heart and a genuine desire to positively impact the world around him. By affording him the same grace I afford myself, we can journey together towards the freedom that is to be found in laying down ourselves, living for Christ and genuinely being more concerned for the needs of others.